I've noticed a trend lately. He comes home late at night and just goes to sleep. Why can't I have as little emotion as he does? Why can't I just be happy being alone? I cannot wait to just feel normal again...whole. Sad right? I feel pathetic, but after a third of my life has been spent with one person, it's difficult to just move on...at least for me anyway. I may be giving up on our relationship (now) but I'll never give up on him, he's an important part of my life. He has been a very important part of my life...letting go of that is difficult. I'm losing my best friend. Ugh, I hate this part...
Friday, December 28, 2012
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Beating A Dead Horse
Today began as usual, waking up and heading out to work. Things were going ok until I saw a notification on my phone, it was him posting on Facebook, "tired of the crap, leave me the f alone." My blood pressure skyrocketed, I mean sure, I've done some stupid things through this ordeal, some I may not even be proud of, but this time, I felt surely it wasn't about me. I hadn't done anything. If it was about me, why would he post it on Facebook? I began racking my brain trying to figure out what I had done to set him off. I hadn't a clue. Then it hit me, 2 of those 3 framed intensely meaningful (at least to me) pictures that I had given him were in the bedroom. See, last night after he left for another night out, I thought to myself, hey I'm going to hang these. I got distracted when my sister called and set them on the TV stand in the bedroom. I can't imagine why that would piss him off so much, but then again, these days it doesn't take much. I mean he gets angry when he begins to feel sad or maybe even remember that he still loves me. Whatever the case may be, I decided to just not say anything later tonight.
As an aside, it's amazing the number of people who "liked" his status, as if they all have/had an inside line to what really is going on between us. The sad thing, it's not what they think that bothers me, it's what he's told them.
I get home, attempt going for a walk but it's bitterly cold AND drizzling, so instead I sat there watching TV...waiting. He comes home and doesn't say a word. I ask if his status was about me, he replies with a simple "maybe". I apologize for taking those photos and describe my intent, he wonders why I'd want to hang them. So obviously it wasn't the pictures missing. Instead of an explanation of what set him off, I'm informed that he will be moving in February into an apartment with his friend Daniel. He wants to break the lease. He asks, "You never planned to move did you?" I answer honestly and tell him that yes, not only had I planned to move, but that I'm meeting with the agent this weekend. He seemed a bit upset by that, I can't tell if he's just having allergies or maybe crying. It makes me sad.
My tears begin to flow and I sit there wondering why I'm so incredibly sad, trying to hide the fact I'm crying. It's a death and I'm grieving. We've both made a tremendous mess of a very special thing and I'm afraid there's no turning back now. I feel regret for not moving out sooner, remorse for the things I've done and how I acted at times, but the truth is...I'm not crazy and, honestly, in some odd way, I think seeing him everyday since the break up has helped me to see how much he's changed. He's become someone that I'm not sure I like very much; however, I'm also looking at him without the guise of love. Yet, I cry, I grieve and I'm angry...it's truly a sad thing happening and I'm scared of my future without him but I know, somehow, I'll be ok.
I will be stronger, I'm the one with everything to gain...I'm not the loser in this situation. If I can just keep telling myself this, maybe I'll begin to believe it...feel it.
As I sit here typing, he's ferociously texting and there's no sound I despise more than that constant chime. It could be because I feel the topic of conversation is me, I'm probably wrong but who cares, however I wouldn't be surprised. Nothing ceases to amaze me anymore through this whole pile of BS.
As an aside, it's amazing the number of people who "liked" his status, as if they all have/had an inside line to what really is going on between us. The sad thing, it's not what they think that bothers me, it's what he's told them.
I get home, attempt going for a walk but it's bitterly cold AND drizzling, so instead I sat there watching TV...waiting. He comes home and doesn't say a word. I ask if his status was about me, he replies with a simple "maybe". I apologize for taking those photos and describe my intent, he wonders why I'd want to hang them. So obviously it wasn't the pictures missing. Instead of an explanation of what set him off, I'm informed that he will be moving in February into an apartment with his friend Daniel. He wants to break the lease. He asks, "You never planned to move did you?" I answer honestly and tell him that yes, not only had I planned to move, but that I'm meeting with the agent this weekend. He seemed a bit upset by that, I can't tell if he's just having allergies or maybe crying. It makes me sad.
My tears begin to flow and I sit there wondering why I'm so incredibly sad, trying to hide the fact I'm crying. It's a death and I'm grieving. We've both made a tremendous mess of a very special thing and I'm afraid there's no turning back now. I feel regret for not moving out sooner, remorse for the things I've done and how I acted at times, but the truth is...I'm not crazy and, honestly, in some odd way, I think seeing him everyday since the break up has helped me to see how much he's changed. He's become someone that I'm not sure I like very much; however, I'm also looking at him without the guise of love. Yet, I cry, I grieve and I'm angry...it's truly a sad thing happening and I'm scared of my future without him but I know, somehow, I'll be ok.
I will be stronger, I'm the one with everything to gain...I'm not the loser in this situation. If I can just keep telling myself this, maybe I'll begin to believe it...feel it.
As I sit here typing, he's ferociously texting and there's no sound I despise more than that constant chime. It could be because I feel the topic of conversation is me, I'm probably wrong but who cares, however I wouldn't be surprised. Nothing ceases to amaze me anymore through this whole pile of BS.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
The Break Up
I'm reviving my blog for the sole reason that I need my soul and heart to begin healing. So, I'm speaking from the heart in this blog and not from any other standpoint.
Nine years ago I met a man that basically swept me off my feet. I wasn't terribly interested at first and may have just seen it as a game with my youthful mindset. He actually pursued me, I went out with him and, long story short, I fell in love. The kind of love that hurts because you can't imagine a life without him. Nine years of memories, laughter, love and loss...nine years we were there for each other through it all. Here we are on Christmas Day 2012 and those nine years are fading into a memory.
It all began in mid Oct of this year when I noticed a distance between us, I didn't know if there was someone else or what. My heart deceived me every time he would say "I love you more" as a response to my affection. However, I knew something was different. So I did what anyone in my position would do...I looked at his texts. There I found a conversation between him and a coworker regarding possibly becoming roommates. Her marriage was seemingly on the rocks. I knew I had a problem. So I confronted him about the distance, he said, "Im not sure I want to be in a relationship, but lets see how Hawaii goes. I love you and I want this to work."
It's a long flight to Hawaii but truly paradise. A beautiful state that's magic is almost tangible. Things were good, how could it not be? We were in Hawaii! Of course he was deadset on finding a waterfall that he could stand under, so he finds a kayaking outfitter that will "take you to a secret waterfall". Well, ladies and gentlemen, I don't like kayaking or canoeing. Strike #1. A couple days later, he decides to go snorkeling, which he knows I won't do because I get seasick...strike #2. The vacation still went awesome, I had no doubt that our relationship was going strong. We came home, I asked how we were and if everything was good...he said yes.
Life continued, work resumed. He went in for a tonsillectomy the week after our vacation, I helped nurse him through it. However, once again, the following week, I noticed a distance. I watched and waited, still being deceived by the "I love you more's", kisses and hugs. On the evening of November 16, I asked him again how things were and he told me, "I'm not sure I want to be in a relationship anymore. I just want to be alone for a little while." Heartbreak, crocodile tears and utter devastation was where I found myself. However, things became even more complicated.
See...I can't afford to just pick up and move out at a moments notice. So, we're still "living" together. However, here are just a few things I've been told since that day..."I love you"..."I don't want to just break up because I'm afraid I'll lose you"..."I still love you". Oh and, when he thought I was moving on, he jumps down my throat, "Well you've moved on, you don't even want to be with me anymore!" Now, as for going to the gay bars, I've been a few times since the break up; however, since he's also going out, I'm obviously following him...makes sense right? Whatever, it's frustrating.
As for the "crazy" that so many of his friends attribute to me...let me just say this, imagine loving someone so much, knowing they love you too but they've been out doing all kinds of shady, disgusting things with random strangers. Yes, you too may go a little "crazy". Lets be frank, I looked for answers to questions that continue to go unanswered, instead I found a person that isn't who they truly are acting in a way that is, really, kind of disgusting. Well that's just my opinion anyway. Speaking of these "reporters"...remember there are 3 sides to every story.
So, here we are Christmas Day and I'm sitting at home alone. Who knows where he is and I find myself not caring. However, the roads are a bit treacherous out there tonight, so I worry, I can't help it. See, my gift to him this Christmas was a last ditch effort. Aside from the shirt and iTunes gift card, I got him 3 framed pictures. The first, our dog Hero, a beautiful, loving little boy that will be just as devastated at not seeing him everyday as I will once I move. The second, a picture of a sunset in Hawaii, sort of an homage to our relationship but beautiful and a reminder that the sun also rises. The third...back story, when we first met, we had nowhere to just hang out, so we went to this park in Highland Park and would sit on the same bench getting to know each other and, truly, falling in love...the third was a framed picture of that bench next to an old oak tree. He had no real reaction to those, not that that's unusual for him, but still. So now, instead of holding on, I'm trying to move on. I'm heartbroken, angry, feel betrayed and scared of being alone. However, I'm taking that leap, mainly because I'm being forced off the ledge, but it's time to give up on him. I tried, he didn't and that speaks volumes to the content of his character.
I love you S, I always will.
Nine years ago I met a man that basically swept me off my feet. I wasn't terribly interested at first and may have just seen it as a game with my youthful mindset. He actually pursued me, I went out with him and, long story short, I fell in love. The kind of love that hurts because you can't imagine a life without him. Nine years of memories, laughter, love and loss...nine years we were there for each other through it all. Here we are on Christmas Day 2012 and those nine years are fading into a memory.
It all began in mid Oct of this year when I noticed a distance between us, I didn't know if there was someone else or what. My heart deceived me every time he would say "I love you more" as a response to my affection. However, I knew something was different. So I did what anyone in my position would do...I looked at his texts. There I found a conversation between him and a coworker regarding possibly becoming roommates. Her marriage was seemingly on the rocks. I knew I had a problem. So I confronted him about the distance, he said, "Im not sure I want to be in a relationship, but lets see how Hawaii goes. I love you and I want this to work."
It's a long flight to Hawaii but truly paradise. A beautiful state that's magic is almost tangible. Things were good, how could it not be? We were in Hawaii! Of course he was deadset on finding a waterfall that he could stand under, so he finds a kayaking outfitter that will "take you to a secret waterfall". Well, ladies and gentlemen, I don't like kayaking or canoeing. Strike #1. A couple days later, he decides to go snorkeling, which he knows I won't do because I get seasick...strike #2. The vacation still went awesome, I had no doubt that our relationship was going strong. We came home, I asked how we were and if everything was good...he said yes.
Life continued, work resumed. He went in for a tonsillectomy the week after our vacation, I helped nurse him through it. However, once again, the following week, I noticed a distance. I watched and waited, still being deceived by the "I love you more's", kisses and hugs. On the evening of November 16, I asked him again how things were and he told me, "I'm not sure I want to be in a relationship anymore. I just want to be alone for a little while." Heartbreak, crocodile tears and utter devastation was where I found myself. However, things became even more complicated.
See...I can't afford to just pick up and move out at a moments notice. So, we're still "living" together. However, here are just a few things I've been told since that day..."I love you"..."I don't want to just break up because I'm afraid I'll lose you"..."I still love you". Oh and, when he thought I was moving on, he jumps down my throat, "Well you've moved on, you don't even want to be with me anymore!" Now, as for going to the gay bars, I've been a few times since the break up; however, since he's also going out, I'm obviously following him...makes sense right? Whatever, it's frustrating.
As for the "crazy" that so many of his friends attribute to me...let me just say this, imagine loving someone so much, knowing they love you too but they've been out doing all kinds of shady, disgusting things with random strangers. Yes, you too may go a little "crazy". Lets be frank, I looked for answers to questions that continue to go unanswered, instead I found a person that isn't who they truly are acting in a way that is, really, kind of disgusting. Well that's just my opinion anyway. Speaking of these "reporters"...remember there are 3 sides to every story.
So, here we are Christmas Day and I'm sitting at home alone. Who knows where he is and I find myself not caring. However, the roads are a bit treacherous out there tonight, so I worry, I can't help it. See, my gift to him this Christmas was a last ditch effort. Aside from the shirt and iTunes gift card, I got him 3 framed pictures. The first, our dog Hero, a beautiful, loving little boy that will be just as devastated at not seeing him everyday as I will once I move. The second, a picture of a sunset in Hawaii, sort of an homage to our relationship but beautiful and a reminder that the sun also rises. The third...back story, when we first met, we had nowhere to just hang out, so we went to this park in Highland Park and would sit on the same bench getting to know each other and, truly, falling in love...the third was a framed picture of that bench next to an old oak tree. He had no real reaction to those, not that that's unusual for him, but still. So now, instead of holding on, I'm trying to move on. I'm heartbroken, angry, feel betrayed and scared of being alone. However, I'm taking that leap, mainly because I'm being forced off the ledge, but it's time to give up on him. I tried, he didn't and that speaks volumes to the content of his character.
I love you S, I always will.
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