Beating A Dead Horse

Today began as usual, waking up and heading out to work. Things were going ok until I saw a notification on my phone, it was him posting on Facebook, "tired of the crap, leave me the f alone." My blood pressure skyrocketed, I mean sure, I've done some stupid things through this ordeal, some I may not even be proud of, but this time, I felt surely it wasn't about me. I hadn't done anything. If it was about me, why would he post it on Facebook? I began racking my brain trying to figure out what I had done to set him off. I hadn't a clue. Then it hit me, 2 of those 3 framed intensely meaningful (at least to me) pictures that I had given him were in the bedroom. See, last night after he left for another night out, I thought to myself, hey I'm going to hang these. I got distracted when my sister called and set them on the TV stand in the bedroom. I can't imagine why that would piss him off so much, but then again, these days it doesn't take much. I mean he gets angry when he begins to feel sad or maybe even remember that he still loves me. Whatever the case may be, I decided to just not say anything later tonight.

As an aside, it's amazing the number of people who "liked" his status, as if they all have/had an inside line to what really is going on between us. The sad thing, it's not what they think that bothers me, it's what he's told them.

I get home, attempt going for a walk but it's bitterly cold AND drizzling, so instead I sat there watching TV...waiting. He comes home and doesn't say a word. I ask if his status was about me, he replies with a simple "maybe". I apologize for taking those photos and describe my intent, he wonders why I'd want to hang them. So obviously it wasn't the pictures missing. Instead of an explanation of what set him off, I'm informed that he will be moving in February into an apartment with his friend Daniel. He wants to break the lease. He asks, "You never planned to move did you?" I answer honestly and tell him that yes, not only had I planned to move, but that I'm meeting with the agent this weekend. He seemed a bit upset by that, I can't tell if he's just having allergies or maybe crying. It makes me sad.

My tears begin to flow and I sit there wondering why I'm so incredibly sad, trying to hide the fact I'm crying. It's a death and I'm grieving. We've both made a tremendous mess of a very special thing and I'm afraid there's no turning back now. I feel regret for not moving out sooner, remorse for the things I've done and how I acted at times, but the truth is...I'm not crazy and, honestly, in some odd way, I think seeing him everyday since the break up has helped me to see how much he's changed. He's become someone that I'm not sure I like very much; however, I'm also looking at him without the guise of love. Yet, I cry, I grieve and I'm angry...it's truly a sad thing happening and I'm scared of my future without him but I know, somehow, I'll be ok.

I will be stronger, I'm the one with everything to gain...I'm not the loser in this situation. If I can just keep telling myself this, maybe I'll begin to believe it...feel it.




As I sit here typing, he's ferociously texting and there's no sound I despise more than that constant chime. It could be because I feel the topic of conversation is me, I'm probably wrong but who cares, however I wouldn't be surprised. Nothing ceases to amaze me anymore through this whole pile of BS.